It was the Year of Our Lord 2013, and I was devouring a cheeseburger in a Chatsworth, CA franchise of a certain multinational fast food conglomerate which shall remain nameless. A crazed skull face painted, dirt-bag, clown sat down beside me. This Skeletor reject of Uriah Heap introduced himself as Ronald Osborne and was familiar with my work. I was informed that Ronald, Slayer Mac Cheeze, Grimalice, and the Cat Burglar, were performing secret rock shows in the bunker-like basements of the local restaurants. But the time had come, he said, to bring drive-thru metal up from the "underground," and he asked if I would consider becoming the manager. BAM! Abruptly we were thrown to the sidewalk. (Apparently the daytime manager was not informed of this activity) I looked over at Ronald, watched him brush off the sodium chloride and GMO remnants of my UN happy meal.
Before I knew it, I was in a burger stand bomb shelter, witnessing Black Sabbath music, hilarious fast food lyrics, smoldering clown heads with laser eyes, a giant purple gumdrop bass player, and Tony Iommi with a giant cheeseburger head. I was confused, amazed and can't ever remember feeling so.........happy!
The All-Female Zeppelin Powerhouse.
Zepparella is the Led Zeppelin All Female Powerhouse. Vocalist Anna Kristina, Guitarist Gretchen Menn, Bassist Angeline Saris, and Drummer Clementine have brought their passion for the sacred music of the greatest band in the world all over the US and Canada.
THE STORY OF METALACHI...
On a hot summer night in Veracruz Mexico circa 1982, Consuela Espinoza stumbled out of her dilapidated shanty and into Rock N Roll history. What began as an innocent night of snorting horse tranquilzers in a hotel room with seven members of the village jai alai team went on to produce the greatest metal band to ever live. Unhampered by a steady regime of tequila and ill advised sumo lessons, nine months later five bastard children where born. Unable to care for her hungry offspring and concerned that motherhood would seriously interfere with her Tuesday night Karaoke league, Consuela hastily packed the babies into the saddlebags of a burro and sent her children off to America in search of a better life. Against all odds, 14 years later, and nearly dead from dehydration, the burro knelt down to drink from the stagnant waters of the Rio Grande just ouside of Juarez Mexico -mere yards from the U.S. border. With one fleeting burst of energy the brothers Espinoza cinco climbed from their leather restraints and scampered the vast reaches of the river, collapsing onto the sweet amber hue of American soil. As if by destiny, lodged in the sand beneath their tanned faces was a record sleeve upon which were the words "PARANOID" and "BLACK SABBATH". For many years to follow, this definitive black metal album served not only as a teacher and a mentor..but also as a friend. From these bleak and humble begins grew the seed that would OFFICAL BIO
eventually be the band we know today. Often referred to as the greatest heavy metal band to ever live..always referred to as...METALACHI.